PCOS and Isaiah

So I don't usually go around spouting that I have PCOS but a recent lesson in Institute was so powerful; I don't know how to talk about it without talking about PCOS and if I can help one other person feel not so alone in their suffering then it is worth it..maybe even courageous.

In Institute last week we were talking about the scattering of the 10 tribes of Israel and looking at why were we scattered just to be gathered again later? Why did Christ descend just to be exalted? We were scattered to help those around us and He knew we would feel alone. He knew we would come to earth at this time when the world is so wicked; that we would be few in numbers but strong in spirit. He sent us to be the Ensign to the world to call them to Christ. He knew we would all feel utterly alone at some time; that is why He worked out the Atonement utterly alone so He could succor us accordingly.

In speaking of being alone we looked at Isaiah 54. Well I guess it is here I should put in that It have PCOS and its effects for me mostly manifest in baldness, excessive hair in other unwanted places, and blood sugar / weight issues. I will have no idea about the fertility part until I start trying to have babies; which is a whole issue in and of itself. Weight struggles plus the baldness and having to wear a wig make me feel unattractive, unwanted, and unlovable and begs me to ask questions like who will be able to look past all my physical issues to marry me? How do I tell some worthy man that I may never be able to bear him children? I have gotten past the why me? and on to the what am I to learn? But I can not seem to keep my mind from thoughts like I may never never be kneeling across an altar making sacred covenants, be able to share my life with someone, feel a baby kicking my ribs, nurse a child, or hear a little voice call me mommy.

Most days I can laugh about it and say oh it is just hair and in the grand scheme of things it is not that important. (I have been lucky at my job and other place to not have had 1 hair mishap =-) Other days it seems to be overwhelming and I feel like a crazy person ready to snap at anyone who begins to whine about their bad hair days or husbands or children. On these days, I am filled with a hurt and a pain so perfect that I am sure no one else can feel it as deeply and certain as I do.

I was having such a day on the day of Institute class. Isaiah 54:1 sing O barren, thou that dist not bear: break forth into singing, and cry aloud, thou that didst not travail with child: for more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married wife, saith the Lord. ~ This one verse brought me a peace and comfort not previously felt since 2001 when I got diagnosed. One day it will be all made up! The hurt and pain will be wiped away just as He promises to wipe away all tears in Revelations. He remembers the promises He has made. He knows me and is aware of my needs, pains, struggles, grief, and disappointments. In the back of class, I was weeping those precious tears borne of personal revelation that brings both peace and comfort. I found it so interesting that in referring to Christ coming and healing us Isaiah chose to use this example of one who wants these sacred blessing of children in their life and most desperately wants to be rescued from being alone. What greater healing could He bring? What greater pain could He overcome?

This chapter goes on For the Lord hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou was refused, saith thy God. For a small moment have I forsaken thee: but with great mercies will I gather thee. He will one day gather and deliver all of us from our feelings of being "forsaken and refused", if we are obedient and faithful to Him. I know I can and need to do much better! He will not forsake or forget me; even though I feel that way. Those thoughts and feelings are lies sent from Satan. They are not my reality nor do I wish them to be. These verses motivate me to stretch reaching for a higher level of obedience. To become more steadfast and immovable. It also motivates me to reach out to Him who does and will succor me with "great mercies"and suffered unimaginable pain in order to do so. And to take better care of the body I have been intrusted with remembering all the things I do have: eyes to see, ears to hear, a heart to feel, and legs to take me where I want to go.

How I love Him and His prophets! I know that this is a small moment and that there are people whose trials are bigger, harder, tougher than mine. I know that He offers them the same promises. How thankful I am for his "word" which is so powerful that it can heal mine; and all wounded souls" (Jacob 2:8) !! I am also grateful for the CES program of Institute and Brother Bacon and his lesson that so fully invited the Spirit to class and touched my spirit forever!